iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii’m really not doing too hot on this “daily” thing.
something i realized recently is that my family is made up of people with strong wills. and when a bunch of people with strong wills comes together, there are bound to be some butting of heads. and i dunno about the rest of them, but the dissonance is driving me kind of crazy.
i’m most certainly ready to be gone. home sickness cured. i’m getting a little stir crazy. i gotta get out of here.
iiiiiiiiiiiiiii……… didn’t update yesterday. :(
um. yesterday was fairly uneventful. literally. i didn’t leave the house like at all. ‘cept to buy a few moleskine notebooks to decorate for a few high school grads. like my sister. and twins i grew up with who are like little sisters to me. which i stayed up until five in the morning decorating. because i didn’t want to start on them until my sister went to bed. and she wouldn’t sleep until like two in the morning.
but anyway, moving on. yes, that did mean i didn’t make it to church either. partially because i forgot to set an alarm. and also because my family accidentally took both the key and spare key for the car i was supposed to drive, leaving me stranded at home.
anyway, today was my sister’s graduation. she did it. she’s going to college! :) it’s still weird to think about and still hasn’t really hit me properly yet.
my sister and the twins :)
and through all of it, all these korean adults from my home church keep coming up to me to congratulate me on graduating. same with all these yg kids and other people. and with each congratulations, i feel more and more ashamed. why? because i’m not done yet. i mean, if i just had the ten credit hours to finish up and i was actually finishing up in august, then i guess i wouldn’t feel as bad, but knowing that i have to make up chinese too is just the metaphorical “icing” on the cake. in a bad way. but even though i have all this shame building up, i can’t bring myself to correct anyone aside from saying i’ll be done later. my own sister and brother don’t know that i failed this class and now have to retake it.
and i can’t even bring myself to tell them. i know how my sister will react. completely and utter disappointment. and then probably call me a bum. honestly, disappointment from my sister is almost worse than disappointment from my parents. and i’m not sure why. i should probably think that through. maybe another time.
iiiiiiiiiiiii dunno. these are definitely feelings i shouldn’t be having. or at least feelings i should be dealing with on my own. but what else can i do with them?
i for sure need to pray more often and more desperately.
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also, random side question: who actually still reads this? i’m definitely curious. leave me a message via the “ask me anything” function? :)
today was a kind of productive yet kind of not so productive day, i think.
productive in that i finished my thank you cards and finished up the rest of the first season of merlin (remakes of arthurian tales ftw! not that this was really something that is really that “productive”….), hung out with my hermanito for a bit before he went back to playing video games, aaaaaand……. that’s all i can remember. ahaha.
the thank you cards took a lot longer than anticipated. writing thank yous to people you hardly know is difficult. it’s hard to think of what to say because you don’t really know the person. having to write all of these in korean makes it even more of a challenge. but it reminded me that i’ve always grown up loved. even if i wasn’t aware of it. even if i hardly knew the people. there was always, is always someone praying for me, loving me, and thinking of me. and all of that is behind the scenes. definitely grateful for my parents and the korean adults around me.
another thought that kept me busy all day: i really, really need to pray for a level head, a reasonable mind when talking with my parents in regards to my uncertain future. they have all these ideas about what i should do in the coming year, but a lot of their ideas are things i’ve already considered and probably dismissed as options. no, i don’t exactly know where God is leading me and no, i don’t know what direction i should be heading in, but my parents are starting to get a bit pushy and rushing. i’m starting to feel myself losing patience and being curt with them sometimes. as understanding and supportive as they are, they can also be very narrowminded and stubborn in their own thinking if what they think is the right way. i’m a lot like them in that way sometimes. which is why i feel like i’m kind of butting heads with him in regards to where i should be next year.
i dunno. i don’t know how to explain to them why i want to do the things i want to do. i know they care about me and that they don’t want to see me fail and get hurt, but they can’t protect me forever.
i definitely need more patience, more wisdom, more compassion when dealing with my parents while i’m still home. i have about two weeks left before i head back to campus. pray that my relationship with them in these upcoming weeks will glorify God and produce fruitful discussion about the future.
i know i usually don’t post twice, especially with the time stamps so close, but i think i need to get down in writing (text?) what i’m thinking. that and i don’t want to tell any of you (those of you who check this blog on a somewhat regular basis) this in person or via gchat or whatever.
i had been checking my grades the past few days and my teachers have been failing to update them. but, i guess something was updated within the past hour, because they’re all up now.
i most definitely failed chinese this semester.
i pretty much made up my mind to stay in chambana for another year earlier this week, but i guess it’s now a definite “i need to be on campus another year” situation.
i’m trying my best not to freak out, which is surprisingly easy because i don’t think it’s really sunk in yet.
okay, nevermind. i’m kind of starting to freak out.
gahhhh. i’m so frustrated with how poorly i’ve been doing as a student my entire college career. i am truly a terrible student.
jaowiejgalskdjgaoihgasdjfhawieughaidfjaskdfjalwegasdf.
not my will, but God’s. please, pleeeeeease pray for me. that these wouldn’t just be empty words but truth and hope in my life. that i wouldn’t dwell on my academic failings but on the bigger picture God is painting. that i will be able to keep a level head when discussing my future with my parents, who don’t want to send their baby girl out into the big bad world just yet.
not my will, but God’s.
not my will, but God’s.
not my will, but God’s.
so, i accidentally took a nap earlier while i was unpacking my room…. i’m not tired again yet. -_____________-
as i sit here typing, my brother is in the other room, coughing up a lung. he’s got something, dunno what. but instead of sleeping and resting up, he’s playing video games.
why? because he wants to. i think he’s a lot like me in some regards. we’ll both neglect our physical condition in order to do what we want. in my case, usually helping out or making something. in my brother’s case, staying up to play video games with his friends.
part of me wants to go over there and smack him in the back of his head and tell him to sleep. but he’s still in his rebellious teenager stage and that’ll probably back fire horribly.
sometimes i want to be everyone’s mother and take care of everyone. not that i’m actually consciously thinking that, but through my actions i’m saying that. i just want the people i care about to be taken care of. specifically by me.
the danger of that is taking care of everyone out of my own selfish desire to mother people instead of it coming from an overflow of God’s love for them.
sigh. i hope my brother goes to bed soon. lord knows he needs the rest. his throat sounds terrible. -______________-
tonight was my sister’s boyfriend’s graduation! (he’s the third from the right in the white shirt.) after the ceremony, his mom invited everyone over to their house for food and cake.
the picture above is a picture of the class of 2012 from my home church’s youth group. my sister’s class. the five kids i’ve known since they were born and the four that came along during our youth group years. i can’t believe they’re already graduating high school and preparing to head to college.
it’s seriously crazy. and whether they know it or not, it’s for sure because of God’s great faithfulness. i’m always amazed to see just how wonderfully consistent God has been in each of their lives, regardless of their own knowledge of it. it only makes me more excited to see where God takes them next and how much more God will mold and shape them in the years to come!
it still hasn’t completely hit me that my sister’s done with high school. maybe it will at her graduation next monday. we’ll see.
but seriously. congrats to these awesome kids. i can’t wait to see where they go next. :)
oh man oh man oh man. i can feel it. creeping up slowly, like a thief in the night. trying to ninja it’s way into my life without me noticing, plotting to start small and then expand into every area.
laziness.
i can feel it coming. the desire to just lounge around and do nothing. the supposed “need” to just relax and bum.
i need to do more than just sit around the house all day. maybe i should actually start unpacking. and thinking about what i really need to take with me this summer. or start writing those thank you cards. or helping my mom more around the house. or baking. or something.
this time was not given to me to just waste being lazy and fruitless. gotta spend this time wisely. make the most of every opportunity.
it’s a good thing i got out of the house today to meet up with some people for lunch. and washed the car with my sister. and helped my momma with dinner, which was fun, in a weird way.
tomorrow! a full frontal attack on laziness!
christina lee is over! she has some interviews for internships here in stl, so she asked to spend the night. she’s already passed out from being super tired and food coma. ahahaha.
i’m so fullllllll. my mom made really good food tonight. probably because christina was coming over. but regardless, i’ve most certainly missed my momma’s homecooked meals. nothing’s as good as a homecooked meal, right? definitely thankful for my momma and her wonderful cooking. :)
aaaaaaaaand i dunno what else to write about tonight. i really didn’t do much else. :/
my sister and i got a lot of cards and gifts for graduation, so we have to write thank you cards this week. and i guess that’s something to do.
but yeah. until next time? which is tomorrow. hopefully. :X
hmm. sometimes i really do fail at updating. this whole “daily” thing is really hard sometimes. -_______- but, no need to linger. on to the post!
yesterday was the psychology commencement. and i must say, formal ceremonies, as much as i don’t always like them, definitely make things feel more… real, more solid. assuming everything else is in place, i will be done with undergrad in august. oh man, oh man, oh man.
seriously, reflecting on the past three years, it’s definitely been one crazy experience. the things i’ve done, the people i’ve met, the times i’ve had. definitely wouldn’t trade them for anything. despite the hardships and heartaches, God has truly been working and preparing me for this. i mean, i still don’t feel ready for the real world. i’ve been a student the past fifteen years of my life, i don’t really know how to do anything else. not that i was even a great student the past few years, but still.
but i’m not really freaking out about it as much anymore. God is not done with me yet. i can only assume and find hope in knowing that there’s so much more in store for me down the road.
and i think that’s what i really need to remember this summer. i’m not done yet. there’s more to come.
here’s to hoping for a summer of growth. in all arenas of my life. :)
now, seeing as how it’s already 4am, i should probably sleep and work on fixing my sleep schedule, haha.
goodnight world! hello summer 2012. :D
i just realized i never updated last night…. D:
…oh well. :/
i swear, my body is like clockwork. i don’t know how many of you (those of you who are reading this, i mean.) know, but at the end of every semester, i have breakdowns and anxiety attacks. and each one became increasingly more intense.
first semester freshman year, it was the moment i gave a friend a hug and was about to get into my dad’s car to go home for winter break. i distinctly remember how upset i was that i was the first to leave for home, leaving on that thursday instead of that friday like i had originally planned. second semester freshman year, it was on the way home for summer break, maybe fifteen minutes in. i’m pretty sure my dad noticed that i was crying, but didn’t say anything, bless his soul.
first semester sophomore year, same deal. and again, no mention of it from my papa, thank goodness. second semester sophomore year, it was after a lot of friends helped me load my dad’s car with all of my stuff. i walked away really fast in front of everyone because i could feel the tears coming and i didn’t want anyone to see. that also meant i didn’t give any of them a proper thank you or a proper goodbye, which i still kind of feel bad about sometimes. i still cried some on the way home.
first semester this year, i stayed until that saturday. the breakdown came the night before, as i sat in my room by myself while the rest of far played. as i tried to eat the food a friend had brought me for a late night snack, out of nowhere, i just started bawling. i almost choked on the food i was trying to eat. definitely the worst breakdown i’ve ever experienced. i decided then that i hated being the last one to go home for break. everyone else leaves you.
and now. second semester this year, like clockwork, anxiety hit me like a brick. i hate crying. especially in public. as i sat here, gasping for air, tears leaking from my eyes, i can’t help but feel thankful that no one’s here but at the same time utterly alone and abandoned. but i know i’m not alone. God is always here. but when my anxiety reaches a climax, believing that is so hard.
i know that there’s so much to be thankful for, but like my current perception of God’s presence, blessings are hard to count.
why blog about all this? why in the midst of the problem itself did i choose to be vulnerable about it? because this shouldn’t be normal. this isn’t how i want to end each semester. i don’t want to be crying like a baby, heart twisted into knots, knife in chest, anxiety and depression running rampant in my soul. i want to be happy, thanking God for his blessings, praising him for his faithfulness, joy and peace saturated in my soul.
by the time most of you read this, my anxiety will have passed. thank God these episodes never last too long. but they still happen. and for that reason alone, please pray for me. because Lord knows i need it.
